Disclaimer: When I started this blog, I knew I had to consider just how personal I wanted it to be. It is one thing to write about how cute my baby is and know anyone can read it. It’s another thing to write about personal feelings and experiences that I may not share with just anyone. That being said, today’s post is a little more on the personal side…and I’m not just saying that to trick you into reading it.
Over the last few months I have frequently caught myself thinking, “This time last year I was...fill in the blank.” It is fun to me to think back on what I was doing a year ago and how unaware I was of how much life was going to change in a very short time. And this month, looking back on what was going on a year ago is especially meaningful.
|The Nobles all decked out for Halloween 2010, a little less than a year ago.|
This time last year, my proverbial biological clock had been ticking rather loudly for almost a year. David and I were roughly 10 months into the journey toward starting a family. For 10 months I had taken an at home pregnancy test at least once a month – and for ten months I had been disappointed by the results – the digital reading of Not Pregnant, yelling at me each time . This time last year, David and I had both undergone testing to find out what was going on and what the hold up could possibly be. This time last year I spent more moments than I like to think about questioning God’s timing and worrying that we had waited too long to start a family. This time last year I was, quite frankly, freaking out a little because in my plan we would have already had a baby. Things weren't going quite the way I had thought they would or should. They weren't taking shape according to my plan or timing. But what do I know about timing?
This time last year, David and I were sitting in a fertility specialist’s office, going over our test results and discussing our situation – that being the fact that although it did not appear impossible for us to have children, it certainly didn’t seem that it would be all that easy either. I don’t want to mischaracterize and say that we were told it was definitely not going to happen, but our chances were questionable enough that it appeared medical intervention was going to be necessary.
This time last year, David and I decided at that meeting with the specialist that we were willing to take the first step with fertility treatments – I was willing to take medication, and we were willing to go through a few procedures. We decided not to get ahead of ourselves and discuss what we would do if those treatments didn’t work, how far we were willing to go before starting down another path in our family building endeavors. We began preparing for the possible financial, physical, and emotional drain fertility treatments could bring. This time last year I was frustrated, a little scared, and a lot impatient. But this time last year we had no idea what was in store.
You see, this time last year, as we sat in that doctor’s office, unbeknownst to us, I was already pregnant. Just when I had stopped taking the monthly pregnancy tests and had given up taking and charting my temperature each morning, our “perfect timing” actually arrived. This time last year a group of cells was already taking shape that would become our beautiful, perfect daughter.
And this time last year I learned a lesson about planning, a lesson about hope, and a lesson about patience.
I have always been – and probably always will be – a planner. When it came to starting a family, things were no different. I had decided when it should happen and I hadn’t stopped to consider that it might not go as I had envisioned. I had decided what timing would be perfect – when we would have been married just long enough, when we would be financially prepared enough, when we would be ready to embrace a whole new way of being. But you know what? My plan didn’t mean diddly. I’ve heard many times that “we plan and God laughs” and that has always made me a little uncomfortable. I think it hits a little too close to home or something. But did that phrase ever play out with me in this whole having a baby thing!
And now, as most things do in the end, the timing of Annie’s arrival and what it has meant to me and David and our families could not have been more perfect. But this time last year I hadn't learned that yet.